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Things We Don't Say...

"I know for a fact I have more heart than you..."
- David

Ya know, as much as I am an advocate for not giving words too much power, when you are in a relationship, words receive power they normally wouldn't have. I'm not immune as much as I would like to believe otherwise. I wish I could say those words didn't touch me but they did. They just did. Why? Because I try to be a better and stronger me everyday. I really do. I've changed a lot but I'm still just as flawed as I ever was. I'm like, dude, why are you saying I'm not better than you when I'm usually the 1st to say it? I don't think I'm better than anyone. I'm that broken crayon. Ya know, the one that left all those shavings at the bottom of the box. I totally get it.
Why did all this start? Wyman. Yes, that Wyman. The same Wyman. Oh man, I'm just proud of myself for not laughing. All because I don't tell people I meet on Facebook about my personal life. It's so odd that he doesn't understand why I do it but yet, he gets angry if my wellness doctor asks how my relationship is going and my reply isn't anything more than "Amazing... Couldn't be happier." Hypocrite. How can you, a man, not understand that I do that because I believe not everyone should know what's going on behind closed doors in your home and once you start talking, you allow questions and... Why do I need it? I don't. Damn Facebook. Imma delete that shit. I'm so tired of not having an understanding that I don't need to put myself out there in front of every person I meet. How is that so hard to understand seeing as I've said it over, and over and over and over and over and over and OVER? You can't project your paranoia and insecurities on another person and expect them to be okay with it. Especially me. I know what stuff like that can do to a person. It just feels like such a weight on your soul. Like no matter what you do, it's never enough. Like I'm not enough. I think everyone is better than me. I'm not insecure about it. It's just a life thing. I wanna be one of those people who can always brush things away as if they never happened but I dunno anymore. I really don't. I get so tired, ya know? Like I spend so much time trying to understand other people and yet, there's no one left to understand me. It feels like lately the real me is in a teeny, tiny box and that box is shoved in the back of a very dark, lonely closet. It's covered in dust because the more I digivolve, the less there's interest in who I truly am.
I mean, he said maybe he didn't mean it like he said it. Maybe he just feels more for other people. Uh... wait, what? He says it's because I always say some of the things he does, I say I wouldn't do... Unfortunately, I can't be mad cuz that is true. I always make sure my family will be secure before I make a decision and seeing him standing there yelling that it's not about me 1st or the family 1st... All I could think was: Then wtf is 1st?! And of course, not helping at all, I just kept getting madder and madder. Probably shouldn't have started yelling but that heart comment hurt me in places I haven't been nudged in YEARS. Like dude, I don't see how you don't see your fucking privilege! You had 2 parents... To which he pointed out he only has one now and I'm like dude, you lived a life with both knowing both of them loved you. Your mom was a fucking crackhead but at least you knew. Your dad didn't leave you. He died. There's a HUGE difference between a parent who leaves and a parent who dies. One is a choice. Maybe you saw things you shouldn't have seen but you can't hide behind them now. It's in the past. No excuses. The person you become after your childhood, whether those years were good or bad, is on you. Never once did you hafta wonder why you weren't enough because no matter what you did, your parents weren't perfect but they threw down for you. So did I. So how can you say such things? How? I'm not perfect and I'm okay with that. I really am. I've long since made peace with the fact that my Aunt Carroll was it for me cuz I wasn't good enough. I've never felt 1st a day in my life. It took me so long to make peace with it. I'm probably better for it but... dude, you. Your parents loved you no matter how much of a fuck up you were. Check your privilege. I am freakishly protective of EACH AND EVERY ONE of my friends because no matter how they feel outside of our circle, I want them to know with me, they're enough. They don't hafta feel like they're less. Because they aren't. They're my family and I will always love them... Flaws, fuck ups and all that is in between. How is that wrong? How does that make me less? When I say "family 1st"... It covers so many fucking people... Cuz they are my family. How is this overlooked? How does this make me less? I'm so tired of feeling less. I'm not less. I'm me. I have overcome too much in my life to allow myself to feel less now. So why now? I'm sitting here bawling my eyeballs out over words when we all know I've said worse to people. Will probably say worse tomorrow.
I think it's because he threw the James thing in my face again. Saying I shouldn't have done it and blah blah blah... I have 0% guilt over any of it. That wasn't my problem. My problem was the examples he gave of why it was wrong. I was seeing red. Again... Fucking hypocrite. You did those same things. You told Casey who was supposedly a he but turned out to be a she that you wanted to go out with her and blah blah blah... You made plans, same as me. You got caught. Same as me. The only difference was she knew I existed. (Oh, and I didn't go through his phone to bust him... but I'm not bitter about that anymore cuz there shouldn't have been nothing to find and no one respects my privacy anyway so why bother?) What makes him any better? He was like "Well, you make those guys feel this and that then you leave them. You hurt them. Who does that?" My how selective a memory can become when it's convenient. Uh, you did. Or did you forget? You crafted some of top of the line bullshit in a damn raft boat full of holes and had my dumbass sit in the shit. It sunk. The only thing keeping me alive was my sheer will to live so yeah, what makes you better?! Oh, because I said I realized I didn't hafta lower myself to feel better about my life? Dude, what?! Fuck you. Yeah, right in the eye. I'm glad all that mess is just a shit stain in my rearview. Why would anyone want someone else to stay focused in the negative spots in their life? Like why?
Why is it that no matter what is going on, somehow I'm supposed to feel less?
Later

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